zbik's blog
why does a common fire hold so much power? MAL
6th july 2024
i guess i'm dating now. it's funny, you could've asked me if i saw myself dating anyone in the future a week ago and i would've laughed at you. he is the one who had my heart in kahoots after all, the one i don't have to put on a facade around, and yet it feels so bizzare... i'm excited for the future as much is i am worried for it, i hope i can find it within me to love.
8th july 2024
things are nice, haven't been this happy for a while. of course happiness is always temporary, tomorrow the results of my matura come in. honestly, i don't know what to expect at this point, there's a part of me holding onto the hope that maybe, just maybe i circled enough correct answers to pass mathematics. it's like i am physically unable to do math, when i see anything out of my range of abilities, my brain just locks up and is unable to solve even the easiest of problems. it's like trying to remember the title of that one song that's melody is stuck in your head, it's excruciating. there is no room for creativity in math, i hate it with all my heart.
9th july 2024
i failed math, i was 4% short of passing.
11th july 2024
i've been neglecting my diabetes, after the diagnosis in november i averaged around 80% good glucose levels weekly, now i'm down to 40%. i even forget to take my nightly insulin sometimes, i only really learn that the fire is hot if i stick my finger into it, that's why i'm not taking this illness that seriously, the glucose graph might be high, but as long as i feel good, everything is fine, right? honestly i really don't know what effect high glucose has on my body, i've reached glucose readings over 500 and the only symptoms i've had were slight thirst and muscle cramps. i get readings over 300 on a pretty regular basis even though a reading that high is said to be "extremely dangerous" and requires "immediate medical attention". i'm just a moron, as if i wasn't irresponsible enough now i have to deal with this annoying illness for the rest of my god damn life. i hate it here.
13th july 2024
i want to do something, anything. i want to learn the drums, i want to write a visual novel, i want to teach english, i want to get into a good university, i want to learn to code, i want to read more, and yet i do nothing. the excitement of these ideas quickly wears off and i go back to my usual self, playing mindless games while listening to old jerma and vinny streams in the background. even things i thought i enjoyed are put aside to satiate my need to do nothing. i slowly rot inside my room, the stink of my decomposing carcass poisoning everything around me.
15th july 2024
after a while you can't smell the stink anymore, like it's always been there, like you've never known better.
17th july 2024
i cleaned all my peripherals, dusted off my pc, polished my desk and reinstalled my operating system. this is another unhealthy habit i picked up over the years, whenever i feel dirty i clean everything i touch, start from a clean slate, only to go back to being dirty a week later, rinse and repeat. i should just get used to this feeling of unclealiness, i wouldn't say i have OCD and i don't want to self-diagnose much, but this isn't normal. that feeling when you finally sit down after your cleaning spree is momentary, but it feels great.
18th july 2024
the headshrinkers, they want everything. i've gotten an idea for a short visual novel, i know what i want it to be, but obviously i'll still need to write it and get someone to make art for it, i hope this pans out.
20th july 2024
suicide thoughts ran rampant in my mind sometimes, they're never turned into action though. the fallen angel on my shoulder tells me to save it for another time, a time when i'll be certain i want to disappear. suicide is kind of like an ace up my sleeve, it's always there with me, poking my skin, reminding me it's there. i find some comfort in knowing that when everything around me crumbles i can just fold. for now i'll make do with the hand i've been given.
24th july 2024
and fade out again... this machine will not communicate these thoughts and the strain i'm under. it's always pretty daunting when people ask me my plans for the future, i can't see what i'll be doing tomorrow let alone in the coming years. i like to think i just let my life carry me when i need to go, but i don't think that's the case anymore, it seems more like this current i'm riding has hit a beaver dam and the beavers are my evil little thoughts. i want change so badly, but i do nothing to achieve that change. i have high expectations of myself even though i think i'm a talentless failure, it's a paradox of misery.
28th july 2024
i call this a blog, yet it's more like a diary. that begs the question of why is this thing public in the first place? honestly, i don't know, i think i just like attention. i like to think someone might read these at some point and learn something from them, if there is anything to learn from these.
30th july 2024
the smile was supposed to play next month near me, but they cancelled the tour because of health issues, god what i would give to see johnny and thom live. there's a new rap duo called joey valance and brae that delta told me about and they seem fun, they're playing here not too long from now on so i might go see them, the tickets are dirt cheap too. i'll ask boris if he wants to go, though he's not a big rap guy. it's funny, i joined the #k-s irc channel on a whim, i watched some obscure interview with aura where he said that what remains of 4ls hangs out on the irc, that interview was recorded a couple years back, but i gave it a shot anyway and to my surprise there they were! the first months were really awkward, i remember being really nervous and trying to control my autism around them, but the longer i spent time with them the more i let myself go, for better or for worse. they're great guys, they introduced me to not only some great anime and music, but i learned a lot from them, i hope i can thank them properly somehow.
1st august 2024
the W hour is in 3 hours, sirens will blare throughout the city signaling people to stand and remember the people that fought valiantly against the nazi occupiers. looking at the photographs taken during the warsaw uprising always fucks me up, the people in these photos although adorned in black and white look and act just like people from today would albeit under extremely different circumstances. the 1st of august is a nice commemoration, i'll go to the old town square to see all the lit up flares and bask in the minute-long silence devoted to our fallen people. i wouldn't call myself patriotic, but i have a lot of respect for our people from the past.
2nd august 2024
i watched leon the professional with boris 2 days ago, it was great, i had a lot of fun with that movie. the chemistry between mathilda and leon was amazing and their designs were impeccable, during my research of the movie i stumbled upon some worrying stuff about besson dating a 12 year old while he was 29 and him getting her pregnant when she was 15. my respect for him as a person basically evaporated at that point, but my respect for him as an artist remained. which begs the question, where is the line drawn between the artist and person? he's a terrific storyteller, but at the same time a pedophile for lack of a better word. it's weird, i'm always conflicted in situations like these.
7th august 2024
i have settled into my usual routine again, days are fast and meaningless, i don't even know what day of the week it is. i hate this side of myself, i want it to die so bad. this side smells like sweat, cum and toilet paper, it does nothing except stay in its room all day.
10th august 2024
i had a bad dream today, it was too bizzare to articulate correctly into words, but the gist of it was that i was the victim of an accident and someone lost their life because of said accident. i then bonded with their daughter, but even after years have pasted i still felt immense guilt, even if it wasn't my fault, even if i had no control over anything, the guilt was killing me. every day i tried to kill myself by all kinds of ways, but could never go through with it, leaving me devastated and miserable for the rest of my days. dreams don't really stick with me, but this fucked me up bad, it felt so real.
17th august 2024
3 days until my resit, it doesn't matter how much i try, knowledge doesn't stick to me, all there is to do is pray for a miracle. and if i don't pass? honestly, might just end it. i rather end it all than see myself become like my father. scenarios play out in my head and they're all not pretty, but my imagination tends to run wild sometimes.
22nd august 2024
i count 13 points, but i need 14 to pass. it really feels like everything is against me, i feel so helpless.
3rd september 2024
past 2 weeks i been just passing time, not much to write about. still waiting for matura results, am going on a trip on the 15th.